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POEMS' PYRE
I know the day will come around,
not long after I have gone away,
notebooks like this one will be found
hand written poems I penned one day.
Maybe a grandchild or a son
going through a closet or a trunk
will by mere chance then come upon
plain rhyming verse among the junk.
Will they pause to read them all
or peruse even just a few?
maybe they'll read "Winter's Call"
and think some others worth a view.
They'll see just notebooks, spiral bound
and likely not open a one
and choose to not keep them around;
a vexing job that's quickly done.
The decision, likely made in haste,
whether to keep or throw away.
They'll not have the time to waste
reading what the old man had to say.
For who am I to be recalled
who came to writing late in life?
This old scribbler fat and bald
hardly read beyond his wife.
Who will care about the words
that once sprung from an old man's heart
of forests, deer and flights of birds
by one unlearned in poet's art?
So throw them on the discard pile!
Are not even one or two
worthy of a read or smile?
I guess they hold no worth to you.
Perhaps they'll be tossed on a fire
with the other trash I left behind,
a last contribution to the pyre
by a long forgotten mind.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Still not quite happy with it
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2011-06-12 21:29
hi Lonnie
I appreciate your honesty and will smoke this over a bit more..........stn
author commentfaithmairee
Sun, 2011-06-12 23:04
Dear Stan
I really like this . It kind of made me sad but it's a really good poem. Nice title and diction.
Love,
Faith
There must be a poem in here somewhere.
scribbler
Tue, 2011-06-14 22:08
hi Faith
Thank you. I hope to have improved this now............stan
author commentmagics02
Sun, 2011-06-12 23:26
Stan
No words ever get lost in the fire they just keep on smoking:) One line in here through me off of sync I think it is the 7th line but will visit again tomorrow as tonite it is too late to exercise my brain any further.
Blessings
Mona
CCfire
Mon, 2011-06-13 00:35
I felt the meter was off in
I felt the meter was off in places, the last stanza felt too wordy to me but being no expert to rhyme I'll leave it to others better qualified than me to pick where it is.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2011-06-13 01:38
Stan, Stan
Stop playing around, you wrote this in a couple of minutes, then posted without reading it aloud. don't make me go over there and beat you with your quill. Hahaha!
What where you thinking?
Now take it back, and truly put your heart into it, PLEASE!
your buddy,
Eddie
PS here I come back, to read you and you do this.
.....
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
scribbler
Mon, 2011-06-13 07:51
GREAT DAY!
I am overwhelmed with every body's responses. I am presently working on an expansion and hopefully an improvement. I think I've messed up 'cause ya'll don't let me get by with just ok anymore lol.....stan
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2011-06-13 09:10
lol
The monsters have returned to bite us in the butt lol.........stan
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2011-06-13 12:05
hello
Thank you.......I think lol.............stan
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2011-06-13 18:17
I told them you could write
This is excellent Stan. I had read a few poems by you a while back somewhere and they moved like this. Then recently I've perused a few that felt like someone else had written them.
I'm going to agree with a lot of these comments. CC mentioned the meter and you cheated a little here and there. I'm of a mind set that if you're going to use a meter, then use it. Don't drag it along when its convenient. The meter is the only thing that guides a reader. He will read your poem as placed on the page, so you have the choice of "how" he reads.
Nothing wrong with your rhyme.
Now a lot of the comments suggested you come back and "fix" this. I don't know that it needs any real repair to speak of, but it is unrealized. The subject demanded a major emotional overload (especially here) that wasn't present. It needs length, a little more reminiscing and a LOT more tragic retrospection. This could be a poet's virtuoso piece. I think you need to make me cry.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Mon, 2011-06-13 19:57
Hi Wes
Many of the comments related to this before first edit which you just read. If you will notice, i commented myself that I wasn't happy with this yet. I'm going to let it sit a day or two and come back to it with fresh perspective. Appreciate your feed back. PS I think I already made some cry...........with dismay lol.......stan
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2011-06-14 23:29
He's back!!
Knocking it out of the park.
Stan there's just one line I don't understand in the context of the poem can you please explain,
"Will they pause to read them all
or even just a few?
maybe they'll hear "Winter's Call"<<<<
and think a couple worth a view
thanks Buddy
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
scribbler
Wed, 2011-06-15 07:45
Hi
Winter's Call is reference to a poem I did early on which is still one of my favorite self writes.Poem is titled"Winter's Song"................stan
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2012-12-13 21:26
I've been sick,
so I thought I 'd slip back in through something gentle... like Stan. I stand by my earlier comments.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Thu, 2012-12-13 23:22
Hi Wes
Sorry to hear you've been ill. Have a bit more patience. I'm trying to clean it up some first then I'll see about a bit more length and impact......................stan
author commentwesley snow
Wed, 2013-05-22 16:33
I have recently been asked by friends,
(I have a surprising number of them though I have never sought them),
to put my small poems in a book (they call them "the ones they understand"). I have done so and when I give them away I have but one demand I make. Not that they read them. That will happen or not beyond my power. But rather, I insist (and demand they give me their word) that it not be thrown away. When they are finished, I insist they simply stuff the thing on a bookshelf or in a chest of drawers and ignore the thing... for generations if possible.
Then... someday...
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
scribbler
Wed, 2013-05-22 18:08
Hi Wes
I have also distributed a small number of my earlier stuff in the form of homemade books. I only request that they not use the pages when they run out of toilet paper. That would be a Bad place to get a paoer cut lol..........Hmmmm..........but I guess it Would be memorable lmao.............stan
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2013-05-22 18:59
Stan
One from 2011 I see and a reminder to those we leave behind that these words are a part of someone and a space in time and should be treated with a respect.
It is strange I only asked my family about this the other day and there are some good responses but we always fear the worse..
What else can we do, it to us is a part of our lives, thoughts, dreams and fantasies, our journeys are nearly done and with my writing it is from me being 15 to now which is 56 years of jotting stuff down for people and me I hope one day the words will be used or modified to read well.
We can but hope young Stan, we can but hope, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Wed, 2013-05-22 21:50
Hi Ian
I'm often suprised at the amount of feed back I get when I go back and edit n old poem. I'm pleased to discover I'm not the only one who hopes Somebody will value my writing after I've left............stan
author commentlovedly
Sat, 2016-02-27 15:57
hey Stan
that's not fair '
you composed them in 2011
and they are still here
well don't you ever fear
I burnt my pops bundled up
then at a place a note was found
treasure hunt
a million dollars bill
some where in my library
I had just burned it
well deserved of me
scribbler
Sat, 2016-02-27 20:47
Hi loved
I go back and review even my earliest works once in a while. Amazing what letting something sit a while reveals in way of improvements which should have been obvious. I expect at some later time my handwritten notebooks will be of value once I'm gone. Scrap paper Always has Some worth lol......stan
author commentlovedly
Sat, 2016-02-27 22:38
Stan
you live in hopes
i need immediate discovery
read my next one
i can't post now
time limit u lay
scribbler
Sat, 2016-02-27 23:12
lol
We ALL wish each of our poems received a lot of attention don't we? You might try posting a few less poems and thus give folks a bit more time to comment on each. As far as being "discovered" that's the purpose of the upcoming book, to get the better poets here a bit of recognition............stan
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