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places we have yet to go
your arm moves across the space
between us,
rests on my breath
entwined in a lover's question mark
we sleep
the heat of our bodies a sweat lodge,
you carry
a medicine bundle
I hold a marriage basket
across the threshold of dreams
the spirit of heron and deer follow us,
nibbling on our flesh,
crows gather and serpents
rejoice,
we leave no dreams across a summer sky,
the burning bed catches fire,
our agreements carried by four wild winds..
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I am close to my American Indian roots through my daughter who is Choctaw and my son of Inca blood.
The agreements refer to Dan Miquel Ruiz' *The Four Agreements*, and the burning bed to Frida Khalo.
~A
Editing stage:
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Comments
Nordic cloud
Thu, 2011-06-09 08:22
You kundalini us into the
You kundalini us into the entangled spangled night of dreams
and fantasies, carrying baskets of goodies with some green, green apples,
all ending up in the curling swirl of ashes that spread far and wide
a smoke trail telling the world.
LUvAnn
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Kailashana2
Thu, 2011-06-09 08:41
;-)
;-)
~
p.s. I love your signature line.
author commentInk Artist
Thu, 2011-06-09 08:34
your title is great for this
your title is great for this write. your imagery in this piece is beautiful. you set the tone perfectly in the opening stanza and follow vividly with the visuals of the second stanza. the third stanza feels very personal and spiritual, like a powerfully deep connection. L1 in the fourth stanza, to me personally, would read smoother as "across a summer sky" and something about the burning bed "catches fire" seems to disrupt the flow slightly. maybe "the burning bed ignites" or " the burning bed smolders" possibly? i love the reference to "The Four Agreements" in your final line.
overall, i adore this piece. you are very talented. :)
~lori
"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."
Kailashana2
Thu, 2011-06-09 08:48
Pleased to meet you, Lori.
Pleased to meet you, Lori.
I took your suggestion forc L1,S4; and have considered and reconsidered and re-reconsidered that burning bed line, as I was writing it, again with your qualms.
The question would be how does a burning bed catch fire? I'll leave it as that. ;-)
~A
author commentInk Artist
Thu, 2011-06-09 09:36
how about "a smoldering bed
how about "a smoldering bed ignites" as a possible edit??
"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."
Kailashana2
Thu, 2011-06-09 09:50
Hehehehe. It's a rhetorical
Hehehehe. It's a rhetorical and esoteric question, not to be answered by changing the line sort of a koan.
I like your company.
~A
author commentInk Artist
Thu, 2011-06-09 09:58
we Ohio girls need to stick
we Ohio girls need to stick together! :)
"I am the lonely soul of a waterfall."
Red Card
Thu, 2011-06-09 11:34
I'm not in a critical or
I'm not in a critical or talkative mood at the moment, lol, but I just wanted to say that I read and liked this.
-Ty
scribbler
Thu, 2011-06-09 11:47
hello
s-3,l-1 shouldn't that be spirits?
last 2 lines you could try something like :
our bed ignites
carrying our agreements to the four winds
whether you use these or not, still one of your better poems....................stan
Kailashana2
Thu, 2011-06-09 13:22
Well, howdy Mr. Scribbler
Well, howdy Mr. Scribbler (Anna in her Scarlet voice)!
I used it in the singular and omitted *spirit of (the) heron and (the) deer; the last 2 lines are left that way for a reason... with the question how does a burning bed ignite and the answer: the 4 agreements.
You'd have to read the book to understand better, speaking of *better*. ;-)
~A
author commentraj
Thu, 2011-06-09 14:36
Dear Anna
the choice of words in this write to express the situation is exquisite..most notable amongst them being:-
your arm rests on my breath
entwined in a lover's question mark
I hold a marriage basket
across the threshold of dreams
we leave no dreams across a summer sky,
truly you have a remarkable prowess with words....
raj (sublime_ocean)
wesley snow
Thu, 2011-06-16 13:49
This is closer
I had considerably less trouble following the mystical in this. Remember, this is me, not your shortfalling. Never did I feel like the kid with the dunce cap in the corner. The chief thing I bring from this and all your poetry is the loveliness of the language. A beautiful phrase (for me) covers a world of ills be them mine or yours. wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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itzhak bareket
Thu, 2011-06-16 14:23
your poem
dear master , i'm deeply touched . it's a great joy for me to read and reread your poem .doesn't mean that i understood exactely every single magic word , but i feel the music , and i'm happy that you gave me the chance to listen to it .
thank you very much .bye ,bye , itzhak .
itzhak bareket