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the secret world of hearts

Submitted by Kailashana2 on Tue, 2011-05-31 07:30

come with me to my secret world
inside the world of creation
where pansies laugh with the apples
of your cheeks and forget-me-nots
dwell

slowly, softly enter my dream
let the sun of sorrow hide where shadow worlds
meet your horizon and the window of your
reflection thaws the ice that was;
bring to me an overflowing bouquet:
your sighs
and the moments your breath was stolen--
the human child awakening, saturated with
night, the light of gold flowering in your hair,
pale blue as the
summer sky,

surrender into bliss,
wanton with dreams that
pass through the dark veil of memory,
like this.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Last few words:

if ever you have seen a pale blue light, or why Krishna is blue, you might know a little bliss ;-)

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-05-31 08:11

I noticed, luv.

Nothing can get in the way of those who have made the heart's connection.

;-)

author comment

Nordic cloud

Wed, 2011-06-01 14:45

I see and feel the presence

I see and feel the presence of a baby too in this creation,
the sentiments of ruby cheeks and apples sunshine and joy.

I felt half way through that the development of the poem
would go in another direction, knowing you!!
But it didn't and was different.

I liked the pacing that gave the impression
of a flower opening up to the final blaze of life

Love to you dear Anna Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-06-01 16:16

Smiles.

author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2011-06-01 15:41

hello

A delightful trip of fantasy. The only addition that might be of interest would be to tell how the forget-me-nots dwell. Maybe dwell happily or joyfully. I think a few of the lines in 2nd stanza would have more impact if separated also.
your sighs
the moment your breath was stolen
the human child awakening
saturated with the night
the golden light flowering in your hair

This is how I would have done it but that doesn't make it right or better just different. Thought you might want to see an alternative............stan

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-06-01 16:19

I thought that line was

I thought that line was rather flat, too. But couldn't think of anything, and now it has my attention. Gotta think of something.

But what makes you think it's fantasy? I've experienced it and more. The bliss of life, the secret world of the heart is as real as you are, Stan. We just have to tap into it by letting the thoughts we have that are not conducive to its experience, go.

;-)

author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2011-06-01 16:25