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RESPITE

Submitted by scribbler on Mon, 2011-05-23 19:53

Five miles down a switch back gravel road
running along a Blue Ridge mountain back
hemlocks,laurels and white oak trees
provide shade for Oconee bells and ferns

Down below, a muted murmur
of a small river not too far
as crickets tell the temperature
and ruffed grouse dully drum

Dim path descends as in a cave
of gray stalactites and emerald ceiling
with soft mossy carpet
a silent passage

Red tailed hawk, I think
screeches his challenge above the canopy
just as water course is reached
at a tiny pool of glass

I cast my lure with inattention
(didn't really come here to fish)
and miss a rainbow strike
flashing in the depth

This remote river, a creek really
becomes my roadway to delight
and sanctuary from lowland heat
a treasure trove of sights and sounds
to lock into memory's vault
for later days

The water leaps and skips
through the bones of these old mountains
worn and slick with moss
home to stone flies and hellgramites
buffet to trout and horny heads

As I wade I catch a few
and release all
while the sun warms my hat
and pristine waters
turn my toes blue

But even in this timeless place
the moving sun announces leaving
so I reluctantly begin the ascent
back to the real world

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
free verse? blank verse? poetic prose? All I know is it isn't western classic lol
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-05-24 06:26

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and a beautiful picture painted well in words.

But, sorry Stan, I still feel your work lacks depth. That is one of the things we are working on in the Shark Pool

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 06:51

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not all poetry is intended to plumb the depths of human emotion. BTW,still awaiting your pastoral reply to my angry poem................stan

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-05-24 07:02

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I don't normally respond to poems directed at me, it makes the site too incestuous.

And yes, if poetry doesn't "plumb the depths of human emotion." what is it's value in a world of Twitter and Facebook?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 07:29

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"PAYMENT DUE" Have you forgotten the challenge? I write an "angry" poem dealing with a social issue and you write a pastoral poem in return......................stan PS poetry can still serve one of its original functions :entertainment

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-05-24 11:00

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for precisely the reasons cited above

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 12:44

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Sound to me as if although I at least Attempted something out of my zone, you are not even willing to try the same. It would seem the talker refuses to walk................stan

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-05-24 12:52

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You know how Australia got out of the big financial crash?
The government gave money to poor people to spend, instead of bailing out the filthy, rotten, stealing banks. And our economy is now doing well.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-05-24 13:31

As a former Realtor, I said it would have been more expedient to pay off all loans under $200K.
No one listened to me of course, but just imagine the possibilities.

I was born in Germany, my aunt & uncle went to Australia while my parents moved to America with 2 small children. I lost my house when my x-husband got sick and we took as much money out of the house we could to renovate, and then pay off bills. . They just added late charges, fees, etc. until the house was no longer worth anything near what I owed and I had to give it up.
Seems to me (at the moment) that Germany and Australia would have been better choices.

My mother always said I'd live to see the demise of America's middle class. She died in 1985.

~A

scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 13:31

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Good to know your gov't got something right. But you're still dodging the question.Where is your pastoral rhyme attempt?................stan

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weirdelf

Tue, 2011-05-24 14:07

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http://new.neopoet.com/node/4249

I tried

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 21:09

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MINE was on stream for all to see

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weirdelf

Wed, 2011-05-25 00:49

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"A pastoral rhyme attempt"
http://new.neopoet.com/node/4249

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Wed, 2011-05-25 00:51

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"A pastoral rhyme attempt"
http://new.neopoet.com/node/4249

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

scribbler

Wed, 2011-05-25 06:39

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So I see now. Is this your 1st ever attempt at such?............stan

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loved

Tue, 2011-05-24 12:15

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My last poem on WHEN ALL SAY has become a WASPS BATTTTTLE FIELD

YOU AS AEC
SHOULD GIVE THAT GUY
A MOUTH FUL
THANKS

FOR STAN AS AEC

loved

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-05-24 12:23

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In many ways I love you and also despise you.
You are a very complex person, sometimes brilliant, sometimes utterly trite.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-05-24 12:42

Stan, providing in the first stanza lends itself to an incomplete sentence. Superfluous words in second stanza : as

You are a master of bucolic poetry, no Bukowski in sight.

~A

scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 21:16

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scratched my head and other body parts and decided you were right lol............about the 1st stanza...........stan

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scribbler

Tue, 2011-05-24 21:18

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Are you about to try to sell me something ? lol. Thank you for the visit and too kind comment...............stan

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Nordic cloud

Wed, 2011-05-25 02:59

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I felt this would be best as prose
then intead of stumbling to make a poem of it
it would be stunning as its own expression
in a language that flowed in meaning
and rhytm comfortably.
The idea is wonderfully pastoral
and you of all people Stan could do it justice
as I feel you haven't quite in this effort.

My love Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

scribbler

Wed, 2011-05-25 06:49

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Hmm... not too sure changing to prose would fall under heading of doing an edit. Change would be too extensive. Perhaps to write a separate poetic prose version and post it would be better. Now to take 2 aspirin as you got me thinking which always gives rusty brain a head ache lol...............stan PS been thinking about trying another poetic prose anyway

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-05-25 06:58

Hmmm.

We disagree Ann.

This is superb, and Kal was right when Stan was fishing with his *cultured*.poem.

I've been a-bated. (Hi barrry!)

scribbler

Wed, 2011-05-25 07:18

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Perhaps this should be held up as an example of how differently a poem can be read by different people. And are you also trying to butter me up for something? LMAO..............stan

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Kailashana2

Wed, 2011-05-25 08:16

Who, little ol' me? (bats eyelashes)

We just don't see how our mirror of perception is clouding the issue. And that is the way it is until it isn't.

Now, about the buttering up. I like my fish freshly caught and sizzling in a skillet on a campfire. Nothing is better. Yum!

~A

vexations10

Thu, 2011-05-26 22:26

what each person seems to think it is. Seems I logged on to a conflict of some kind here. Shoot, I liked the poem with a couple of minor corrections. I would drop the words “really” in verse six and “but” in the last verse. Perhaps the other readers have never walked mountain streams. I think you gathered the essence of a day in Pisgah NF pretty well. How did this become a discussion of how to deal with economic recovery?

vexations

scribbler

Thu, 2011-05-26 22:35

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You know how it goes when talking begins there's no telling where it will end lol. I'll check out your suggestions and consider them in edit. The thing you perceived as a conflict was good natured(I hope)gosding about a challenge I had earlier put to Jess. That I would try an angry free verse on contemporary subject if he'd try a rhyming pastoral lol. And you are very close to right about location..............stan

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