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Theorum

Submitted by lou on Fri, 2011-05-20 01:18

Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
We are a planet of apes,
Drawn from the primordial ooze.
Quick to abuse.

We bare the burden of proof 
Pre-historic dwellers of earth
Developed and improved upon,
Since birth.

Adam and Eve created to deceive
Desperate for a comfort, 
Clawing for an explanation,
World filled with degradation.
 
We are aliens in a strange universe,
Infinite existence,
Or Armageddon to ensue.
Theory or hypotheses?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2011-05-20 04:44

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except fro the Ana Eve eve reference, We are all accountible for our actions. region delusion has nothing todo with it

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Fri, 2011-05-20 06:13

lou's picture

Thanks

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Fri, 2011-05-20 07:00

I like this poem and the spin you give on Armageddon. Though there's a slight change I would make:

Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
We are a planet of apes,
Drawn from the primordial ooze.
Quick to abuse

And bare the burden of proof
Pre-historic dwellers of earth
Developed and improved upon,
Since birth.

Adam with Eve created to deceive (instead of adam and eve)
Desperate for comfort, (remove a)
Clawing for an explanation,
World filled with degradation.

Are we aliens in a strange universe? (switch for question)
Infinite existence?
Or Armageddon to ensue?
Theory or hypotheses?

~Ac

lou

Fri, 2011-05-20 08:54

lou's picture

thank you that makes sense.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Nordic cloud

Fri, 2011-05-20 11:16

Nordic cloud's picture

This is a good poem, I have no comments that spring up as I read.

Love from Ann

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

lou

Fri, 2011-05-20 12:17

lou's picture

Thank you

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Fri, 2011-05-20 12:19

lou's picture

Thank you that is very kind of you.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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weirdelf

Sun, 2011-05-22 05:18

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I think this is the best poem of yours I have read.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 05:48

lou's picture

Thank you very much, im still considering whether I feel the edits will work.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2011-05-22 06:30

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Keep to your vision of the poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 07:54

lou's picture

I was being polite

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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weirdelf

Sun, 2011-05-22 08:22

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I meant what I said.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 11:46

lou's picture

I thought that you were saying that you didn't think I should take notice of your praise, because you you can be wrong about it being good. If I have misunderstood, then im sorry.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

weirdelf

Sun, 2011-05-22 12:40

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It was praise indeed.
I can be a nasty bastard but my praise, and my crit, are always honest and genuine.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 13:10

lou's picture

Ok sorry about the misunderstanding

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 13:12

lou's picture

For your information the title is a reference to a word used in a book on evolution that i am reading,

Did'nt occur to you that that the poem is supposed to pose a question?

And as for the rest of your opinion, it is just that, you are supposed to be writing a critique that will help the writer, not critiquing the writers theme.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Sun, 2011-05-22 06:49

I like the title change.

It's all a *Theorum* unless we have experienced something or another.

~A

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 07:42

lou's picture

Thanks

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Sun, 2011-05-22 07:54

p.s spelling is *theorem* is it different in the UK?

lou

Sun, 2011-05-22 15:31

lou's picture

As I said to Theo theTheorum, is not a mis-spelling, it is a reference to a word used in a book I am reading.

Thanks for the critique.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

magics02

Sun, 2011-05-22 15:00

This write to me is a think upon write meaning it gives one to think of the hypothesis of evolution as so many have differing opinions on it, justifiably so.

Your first line sets the stage

Evolution considered, truth or dare ?

so to me it is truth or dare the truth. There have been so many different theories presented, the big bang, Adam and Eve, the Apes. WHere do we fit into the thought of this is what I got out of it. Please correct me if I am wrong here but I feel it is more presented as a question and a good one at that.

I can not add anymore crit to it for it is written to me for thought processing and a good one at that. Let me know if I am spot on or spot off.

Love at ya gal
Mona

lou

Mon, 2011-05-23 15:46

lou's picture

thanks Mona , yes it is presented as a question.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Race_9togo

Mon, 2011-05-23 16:04

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I like this. If it is intended to elicit a response of questioning in the reader, concerning evolution/creationism then this works very well.

I am struck by this:

"Evolution considered, truth or dare ?
We are a planet of apes,
Drawn from the primordial ooze.
Quick to abuse."

Which I think could be used to illustrate some of the rancor your poem has elicited from others, lol.

Nice one Lou, keep writing.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

lou

Mon, 2011-05-23 18:00

lou's picture

You are correct the idea of the poem is make the reader question their attitude to evolution v creationism. The subject matter was bound to provoke someone.

Thank you I'm glad you liked it.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment
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