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TOO QUIET

Gray giants standing all around
supporting solid canopy of green
which dims most light and muffles sound
as well as sun from being seen.

The highest leaves, far out of sight
send quiet rustles to the forest's floor
caused by a breeze so very slight
which seems to whisper "nevermore."

I've never heard of any town
that once may have been hereabouts
yet crumbled masonries abound.
It's best to leave! subconscious shouts!

For this time is in the late spring
yet silence fills the heavy air
when birds and insects all should sing.
Why do I feel such deep despair?

And as I topped the highest hill,
where a large foundation showed its size,
four mansion's chimneys remain, still.
I feel the gaze of unseen eyes.

Then on adjacent stony knoll
unmarked stones in neat rows stood.
A grave yard of forgotten souls.
Now at last I understood.

These woods still held the ghosts of slaves
their masters' spirits trapped as well
unconfined by crypts or graves
all caught between heaven and hell.

The sun was leaning toward the west.
shadows growing deep as well as long,
my heart thudded in a too tight chest.
All about seemed somehow wrong.

Were you me, what would you do
with no wildlife stirring anywhere?
Ere the dark and shadows grew
I pointed my feet out of there!

Having decided I'd retreat
towards the setting sun I turn
and pursue it with hasty feet.
To leave this place is what I yearn.

If I just can top that last ridge
where this strange disquiet first began
I'll see my truck parked by the bridge
and I'll then be a happy man.

The shadows fade as does the light
for now the sun is but a memory.
The ridge's peak is in plain sight.
Relief nearly floods right over me

Vague rustles come with the first star,
I top the ridge and see my truck.
My escape is now not very far.
I take a step......What the f#ck!

I'm back at the mansion ruins now!
Tree limbs stir , sounding like laughter.
In a single step! I don't know how;
could it be it's Me they're after?

This time I leave toward rising moon,
a change of direction out of here.
I'll get to that small creek soon
(hearing garbled whispers in my ear).

At last I'm at that little stream
just one long step, I'll be across.
I step and then stifle a scream
at my composure's sudden loss.

'Cause now I'm at the slave graveyard ,
movement seen from corners of my eyes.
Panic sets in hot and hard,
terror has grown beyond disguise.

Each way I turn the voices grow
all in sinister and mocking tone.
I'm running instead of walking slow !
Then I trip and fall on a head stone...
.........discontinuity...........

I slowly shake my head and rise
feeling oddly light and almost floating
then look down at my own glazed eyes
in my mortal body slowly bloating.

The slaves and masters all are here
but now are strangely still and mute.
No longer do they seek my ear.
I guess that to talk now is moot.

I've now lost track of days and nights,
enough time my bones are scattered.
Spirits have shown me awful sights
of their past lives, as if it mattered.

So should you find yourself around
ruins in wooded southern ground
listen closely to the lack of sound
and then leave quickly....if you can

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I have been in places that seemed resent my intrusion. Thought 'd write about one such where the only things left of a once magnificent plantation were the foundations of the slave homes and the mansion . The unmarked slave headstones made even more dour by the absence of plantation owner family plot. I guess they were buried in a church grave yard...................................stan

author comment

there are many such places. The most disturbing are the places with no visible sign of having ever been inhabited lol(as he looks over his shoulder)...............stan

author comment

Slavery was and is wrong. But I have often wondered how many people of color would have been in U.S. without it. WE would really have missed out on a lot if America had been lily white...................stan

author comment

great write - very much enjoyed
love the last line - made me smile

one little thing
'4 mansion's chimneys standing still' - you should really write 'four', not use the numerical symbol....

love and hugs
judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

didn't even realize I had put 4. I often do that in initial composition but then change when posting. My lazy ways caught up with me this time lol. Thanks for visit and spot..............stan

author comment

I like your title, but, I think it could be better to crown such a fine piece of work! Maybe: "Necropolis" (?) I love what you do with the western classic. I flows brilliantly into a nervous feeling building into a shuddering creepiness! You are the master of subtly!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I seldom change a title unless the original really interferes with the intent. And LOL I have seldom been accused of being subtle but thank you..................stan

author comment

short on time to edit at the moment, will look over this evening. Thanks...........stan

author comment

A VI S IO NA R Y
STAN
THE ONLY
MAN

loved

Thank you for reading and kind comment..................stan

author comment

This one is all a bit mysterious without being explained enough for me, the hinting is not clear in the beginning, maybe on re reading it will change, but it was slightly difficult to read rhythm wise and context wise Stan, for me that is!!

"supporting solid canopy of green"... support a canopy of green-rhythm-wise?

"and direct sunshine from being seen"...and the sunshine..

"send a hushed rustle to forest's floor"...send hushed rustles to the forest floor?...sound hushed rustle? Or?

"that may have once stood hereabouts"...this language doesn't seem to fit the overall poem for me.
yet there are masonry remains scattered 'round
"It's best to leave!" subconscious shouts...rhythm not quite happy in this verse.

"yet silence fill the very air"...fillS?...is very necessary unless the old fashioned part is stronger?
To call it old fashioned is probably wrong, I don't quite know how to say it otherwise?

"I feel the itch of unseen eyes"...not fond of this itch!

"Then on a stony nearby knoll.. knoll nearby is more comfortable.

"their masters spirits dwelt here as well"...cut out dwelt.

"all caught between heaven and hell"... a heaven and hell?

"my heart thudded in too tight chest"...its too tight chest, odd line.

"Were you me what would you do?...need a comma after me I feel
with no wildlife anywhere
ere the dark and shadows grew
I pointed my feet out of there!" ...Very odd two lines! In fact odd verse.

Well there you are Stan, only my view of it though. Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

I started this poem with an entirely different direction in mind, but my pen led me elsewhere lol. I appreciate your in depth analysis and suggestions. You know I'm always going back and changing my stuff and will keep your ideas in mind when I edit this one. Thanks.............stan

author comment

Thank you, but I expect to pick at this one a bit lol............stan

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Always good to see you pop up here. Still not quite happy with this one but will let it sit a few days before having another go at it. Hope all is well with you...........stan

author comment

I enjoyed your poem. I will come back another time to critique as it it time for me to lay down and attempt to fall asleep. it would be a lot easier now lol.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Even half asleep it is good to see you.................stan

author comment

I love the ideas and the story line in this verse. It stands alone well and will be wonderful beginning to unfold an adventure. I think the flow needs work and the imagery could be improved upon a bit. Less cliché and more emotion will pull your reader even tighter to the story line. If you keep the syllable counts and meter consistent, it will improve the flow immensely.

“Gray giants standing all around
supporting solid canopy of green
which keeps the light from reaching ground
and bright sunshine from being seen”

Perhaps:

Gray giants stand by, all around;
support a canopy of green.
They keep the light from reaching ground;
the bright sunshine from being seen.”

Just a thought. I might work this a bit more too as I am not fond of the use of gerunds in poetry.

Technical:

“itseems to whisper "nevermore" - “itseems” needs to have a space between the two words.
“that once may have been hereabouts” – “that may have once been hereabout” sounds a bit smoother.

All in all this is a great beginning that stands alone. It is self contained with the ability to transition to another "chapter" quite well. I think some polishing for ease of read will make a huge difference along with proper punctuation. I know, I know, punctuation in poetry is a sticky point with many writers, but if you are going to use some, then you should use it properly throughout. Consistency is key. In addition, lose the “For the time” – “for” is so outdated along with “ere”. Sing your tale in today’s language to ensure your readers will hear.

I will be looking for part II. *smile* ~Pamela

.. .

~"It's ALL about the Poetry~

Please join us in The Shark Pool

Good to have you come by with a few pointers. Will fix it seems(damned typos lol) and think other suggestions over in edit............stan PS part 2(conclusion) is posted

author comment

Sorry, I didn't read all the comments, Stan and I am barging right in....

Try this without rhyme, your poem begs for pure scenery, perhaps incorporating part 2?

~A

How's this for an idea. I try a free verse version of this if you let me pick one of your free verse poems and you rewrite it in rhyme. Would be fun for us both. Up to it?...................stan

author comment

With eyes more awaken,
I've read every word.
Your scripted terror from slaves
and masters heavy burdens,
gave me much to discern,
in this beautiful storytelling verse.

If only I could tell stories so gracefully

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

The burden of slaveholders and the agony of being owned still affects this corner of our world. This particular story began when I came upon an apparent slave graveyard not far from the foundation of a one time plantation house. Thank you for taking the time to wade through this........stan

author comment

The south was notorious

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

did u now mean

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT
STAN ....
2011ND NOW IT'S
Oct ending 2017

It's not my fault that every time I edit something old it goes back to top of stream but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop editing either lol........stan

author comment

We all are compy's ants no!

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