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IMPEDIMENTS
Down here it's seldom snow, but rain
that causes me to chance refrain
from walking down a well worn trail
through beloved wood and boggy swale
And upon reaching a clear cut wood
where two years ago the poplars stood
it's mostly thickets, briers, and brambles
trying to ban my sylvan rambles
While beneath a shady canopy
it's an old stump hole that I don't see
that engulfs my leg up to the calf
and makes me stumble on the path
On hill sides often a ravine
as deep and steep as any seen
bar my reaching the other side
where lies a copse both flat and wide
Should I walk without a care
there will always be a vine to snare
my foot thus causing a near tumble
and myself to deprecations mumble
There will come a day quiet and still
when I shall top my final hill
will there be impediment that day
to bar me then from going away?
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sat, 2011-03-05 11:12
bee
then I will merely say thank you.............scribbler
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-03-05 12:57
hi shirley
Thanks for such a kind comment................stan
author commentmagics02
Sat, 2011-03-05 12:36
Stan
You will make it to the hill for your determination is set forth in this write. I have one line that I stumbled upon here:
where lies a copse both flat and wide
Is it a corpse both flat and wide? I guess I need to check dictionary for a copse could be like a revene in the trail. Let me know
I like the depth of this write and I got the visual on it as you trampled in the hole. Boots on of course:)
There will come a day so quiet and still
when I shall top a final hill
will there be impediment that day
to bar me then from going away?
Another few suggests if you don't mind my Scribe
There will come a day quiet and still
when I shall top that final hill
will there be impediments along the way
to bar me then, from going away?
Just my wee thinking and you let me know if I am off or not. I do think it is a very explicit free verse and talks of how you see over the revene to the hill in the not so distant future or on your walk in the woods. Great imagery
Love Magics Mona
Missed you!!.
scribbler
Sat, 2011-03-05 18:43
hello
I believe a copse is any stand of trees on any type terrain. Also in last stanza I'm wondering what might impede me from crossing over on my final day as I've already described many things that have impeded in my journey thus far. I appreciate your suggestions and will take them under advisement upon editing..................stan
author commentraj
Sat, 2011-03-05 14:46
Dear Stan
as always you take the reader on a walk ...you have that gift of the gab and the good thing is that you like to share your experiences....what a wonderfull story teller you are...kids would go crazy listening to you tell a tale... they very well could be...
warmly..
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sat, 2011-03-05 18:46
raj
you are not the first to tell me I don't know when to shut up (just kidding). I'm always pleased to have company on my journeys...........................stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-03-05 18:47
hi Rosi
all suggestions always welcome. Thank you...............stan
author commentAyaz Warith
Sun, 2011-03-06 02:19
I wish if I could go there
I wish if I could go there with you....at least in my dream....
Regards
Ayaz
scribbler
Sun, 2011-03-06 09:04
hello
thank you but at the end of our trek we all top that final hill alone.....................stan
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