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Mind Meld...

Submitted by Geezer on Fri, 2011-03-04 20:19

The loss of control, between body and mind
The connections are gone, been left behind
I try to mate them, meld them, inspire
But they won't match up, meet in the fire

Broken pieces won't heal, the glue doesn't stick
I'm missing the mortar, there are unattached bricks
A low moan emerges, then a much higher note
Screams erupt, from deep in my throat

Embracing the pain, holding it close
Endorphins kick in, they'll give me a dose
Drifting in limbo, wait for relief
This headache is still, giving me grief

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Mon, 2011-03-07 10:33

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the comma does change the intent of the last line, I have removed it. I used your idea about the bricks, just a little differently. Thanks much, ~ Gee

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scribbler

Fri, 2011-03-04 21:57

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I often suffer a disconnect between what my mind wants to do and what my body is willing. I see Bee has already offered advice on the only stumbles I saw in this...................stan

Geezer

Mon, 2011-03-07 10:36

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for the read, I appreciate the second opinion. I made a couple of changes. Yes, it seems as though those disconnected feelings happen more and more, the older we get. Chuckle ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Xavier Sleuth

Thu, 2021-08-05 11:36

Xavier Sleuth's picture

Just
Ouch

-..- -..- -..- -..- -..- -..-
Xtremely busy Xponentially becoming Xcellently at Xactly _____

Geezer

Thu, 2021-08-05 13:18

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I sometimes have monstrous headaches. Thanks for choosing this one, I made a couple of small changes. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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