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Misunderstanding ( a co-write with Hooded Stranger)

Submitted by lou on Tue, 2011-02-15 07:09

We had a misunderstanding .
How can men and women
Feel the same and yet be so different
She said

We lacked the comprehension
To understand how women and men can
Blame each other when they're really both the same
He said

We walked into the room with fire-arms pointing
And took our places on the battle ground
You in your corner and I in mine
She said

We marched in the room with fingers on triggers
We stood our ground on the battle field
Not giving an inch on either side
He said

The combat began
Accusations flew like bullets
Each believing they were right

The argument started
Threats exploding like bombs
Not finding any compromise

The first barrage nicked and cut flesh
I pulled back fearing you were dead
You aimed straight at my heart
She said

The first strike took us off our feet
Shaking the sense into us both
We took the blow clean on the chin
He said

I shot one back fearing my soul was at stake
The mental pain was so great
I was terrified I would lose you
She said

I blocked your attack as I felt your rage
The physical strain was hard
I thought I would finally lose you
He said

We looked into each other’s faces
And our friendship reigned
We laughed at how we came close
To having our friendship stained

We looked into each other's eyes
And our friendship was still alive
We cried as we finally realised
That our friendship had survived

Written by Hooded Stranger & Louise McWhorter

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-15 07:52

Hooded Stranger's picture

Shirl,

Lou & I often set each other a challenge each week to both write about a topic...normally out of our comfort zones. This one was a challenge we set, but we went with a co-write as obviously it has a male and female perspective.

It fell together quite well, but it took a long time to agree upon the final draft.

Do you have any suggestions about improving it at all?

A spoken word version has just sprung to mind...that would work and we wouldn't need to have the 'he said', 'she said' parts in that.

Lou - we need to record this one...once we have received suitable suggestions and feel like we have a completed piece. What do you think?

Thanks Shirl,

HS

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lou

Tue, 2011-02-15 08:56

lou's picture

A spoken version sounds like a good idea, as I have never been sure about including , he said she said.
I hope i don't stutter

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-15 10:37

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

the 'he said, she said' is a pain!...we have some alternatives and I have asked Anna if I can read some of the poems she has with similar 'he said, she said' lines in them.

As long as you stutter in time to the tempo, it won't be a problem!!

LOL!

HS

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Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-02-15 07:38

I like this co-write very much!

~A

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-15 07:48

Hooded Stranger's picture

Anna,

thanks for reading and commenting.

The one issue that Lou & I had was letting the reader know who was talking in each stanza. We then came up with the 'he said', 'she said' addition. Do you think that works?...I know Lou & I are still not quite convinced.

regards,

HS

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Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-15 08:22

Hooded Stranger's picture

Shirl,

I really like that idea of it being between two lovers, rather than friends. I will get together with Lou and look at that approach - excellent idea!

thanks mate,

HS

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lou

Tue, 2011-02-15 08:59

lou's picture

We saw it as an argument between friends, but as Dan said we will have a chat, and see what we think.

love lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

themoonman

Tue, 2011-02-15 08:16

themoonman's picture
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First of all, I like the idea and for the most part it is
pretty polished, but I did notice a few things, I hope
ya'll don't mind me pointing them out.

The tense is all in the past ... but then you say
she said/he said, and the way it is written, one
doesn't speak in the past tense at the time they
are speaking ... and, I thought that the "she/he said's"
would be more affective at the beginning, and change
the tense ... she said, We have a misunderstanding.

I also thought the last verse not needed, but it may
be for the word friendship being over-used, I think
"bond" would be at least one good alternative ...

just suggestions, ya'll write well together and I really
liked how it ended on a good note.

thanks for posting

Richard

Hooded Stranger

Tue, 2011-02-15 08:26

Hooded Stranger's picture

Richard,

first off, thanks for reading and commenting.

Lou & i have been struggling with the 'he said, she said' element. Putting them at the beginning and changing the tense could well work. I like that. Will get together with Lou and address that approach and see what we come up with.

The final stanza's are my fault, I just had to drop in a rhyming outro...and always wondered if it was needed or not. I will think about whether to remove completely or change it, using 'bond' or alternative words.

Shirl has suggested we make it about two lovers than friends, so if we go down that route, the final stanza's would need changing.

Lou & I have so much to do...and there was me thinking, it's perfect, let's sit back with a JD and Coke and watch the compliments fly in telling us how wonderful we are!! LOL!

Really appreciate the feedback,

cheers,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Wed, 2011-02-16 00:07

lou's picture

Do you mean to say we are not perfect, and people think we can improve? Go figure LOL !!!!

All constructive input is welcome.

Well Dan let's get back to work

ps. I like the last two stanzas, they are a great comment on friendship.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2011-02-16 07:52

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

it came as a bit of a shock to me too that we aren't perfect, I was sure we were! Lol!

I think the last two stanza's can be kept in, but I want to re-look at them as they don't quite sit right yet.

As you know, I am struggling today with a migraine, so will spend some time with you tomorrow to look at all the suggestions and see what we can do.

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Wed, 2011-02-16 09:40

lou's picture

Yes we have a lot to discuss re: the poem, not least the fact we are not perfect LOL!!!!

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2011-02-16 07:55

Hooded Stranger's picture

Shirl,

we are definetly going to look at that last stanza. We've had some great suggestions and I am just toying with the idea of either:

lovers, becoming friends or friends, becoming lovers, whatever way it goes the final stanza will need a tweak of some kind.

Thanks mate,

HS

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Kailashana2

Tue, 2011-02-15 08:46

When Michael & I wrote to each other, I often turned some of our conversations into *He said*
*She said*. The poems are on the other site. So if it worked for me, it most certainly works for two who are actually co-writing. I like the idea of lovers turning into friends after their tete a tete,
then the last stanza could remain intact. More often than not, folks begin as lovers and then lose their friendship when the loving is over. Next time if there is one, I'm opting for friendship.
lol.

I like it as it is, but am curious as to how it will evolve and can't wait until the spoken word is available (along with the music I already hear).

~A

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2011-02-17 18:19

Hooded Stranger's picture

Anna,

we are going to work on getting the words right and then we will record this as a spoken poem...hopefully there will be the section on Neo for it by then.

It would be good to have the spoken word section back as I really liked listening to how the author expresses certain words which aren't always obvious from just typed lyrics.

Friends to lovers or lovers to friends...we are exploring that avenue - thanks,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Tue, 2011-02-15 09:15

lou's picture

I think it would be a good idea to have them start off as lovers and then become friends, because I like the the last two stanzas.i'll have a chat with Dan.

thanks

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2011-02-16 11:45

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Oh oh... we have a problem here because I very much liked the last stanza:

We looked into each other’s faces
And our friendship reigned
We laughed at how we came close
To having our friendship stained

We looked into each other's eyes
And our friendship was still alive
We cried as we finally realised
That our friendship had survived

I think the poem could already be about lovers for most long term lovers are friends, too. Maybe change the word friendship to relationship?

Love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2011-02-16 12:45

Hooded Stranger's picture

Cat,

Lou and I have many problems to deal with. We have so many great ideas that we really have to think hard about each one as each one has its own merits.

The word friendship is used four times in those eight lines, so that at least needs looking at. Relationship is a good alternative.

I agree about long-term lovers being friends. I always consider Julie my best friend.

Thanks for the input,

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Wed, 2011-02-16 12:54

lou's picture

Dan and I

have a lot to decide , still like the lovers become friends angle.

Thank you for backing my two fav stanzas.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Wed, 2011-02-16 12:57

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

are you and Cat ganging up on me?

Lol!

I will throw all my toys out of the pram and stamp my feet!

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Wed, 2011-02-16 13:00

lou's picture

Of course we are LMAO

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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