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Momentary Illusion
Dancing like fire, we spin like planets
In that moment we froze like ice
Paused, momentary illusion
I looked through the mirror, into another reality
As the mirror shows my true heart
I quivered like prey
The room wept with me
As the angels feathers fell lovely on the floor
And in those feathers, I felt her soul
So stunning and tamed, yet violently wild
She spun stories of love around the men’s heads
In her hourglass, a web of souls wait for their ends
We walked like strangers
While steam fell from your mouth
Becoming a poison I could breathe
The winter’s snow fell in its place,
Paused, momentary illusion
I looked in your eyes reflection in awe
Maybe I was wrong
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-02-01 07:45
You are not wrong to write
You are not wrong to write this poem though I agree with Ian.
Glad you're back.
~A
weirdelf
Sat, 2011-02-05 02:58
a few edits maybe, but this poem is awesome in depth
and layers of meaning.
I recorded it, it's a 4 mg file, PM me if there is somewhere I can post it or email it to you.
What the recording showed me was just a few stumbles in scansion, and reading it there are a few word choices I'd like to comment on. You know I always comment in a dogmatic way, but of course they are only suggestions.
First a question. Is it allegory? If so for what?
As the mirror replayed to me what had happened [lose had]
As the angles feathers fell beautifully [angles- angels. beautifully is a crap word in poetry, you can find something better]
And in that feather, I felt her soul [feathers plural in the last line, any particular feather?]
She spun stories of love around all the men’s heads [all men's heads, doesn't need the]
Walking like strangers, steam from your mouth like a poison I would breathe [split the line]
Walking like strangers,
steam from your mouth
like a poison I would breathe [doesn't need a]
I looked in your eyes reflection in awe [this line is fucking awesome! It explains the illusion, it refers to Jung's theory of anima/animus (whether you knew it or not) where we seek elements of ourselves in the beloved]
The ending I'm not too sure about. It doesn't feel strong, but contains a certain worthy self doubt.
Lot's of crit but I love the poem and believe it is worth working on.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
washing tears
Sat, 2011-02-05 19:11
a revision has been made,
thank you all for your time and input, it means a lot to me. I have just posted my first revision of this poem, i took everyones input into consideration, however i am still stumped on the ending, i feel that it is efficient (in my own mind). "maybe i was wrong" as if the illusion has shown its true face... however it could use some more, i tried my best to not allow this one to drag on.
I appreciate all of your time and words you gave me on this one, this one is hitting home on my soul and heart, and i am glad to hear others can connect with it.
thank you again
-with what love could be...
Washing Tears
author commentwashing tears
Sun, 2011-02-06 00:32
here is the original!
Dancing like fire, we spin like planets
In that moment we froze like ice
Paused, momentary illusion
I looked through the mirror in wonder
As the mirror replayed to me what had happened
I quivered like prey
The room wept with me
As the angles feathers fell beautifully
And in that feather, I felt her soul
So stunning and tamed, but violently wild
She spun stories of love around all the men’s heads
In her hourglass, their souls wait for the end
Walking like strangers, steam from your mouth like a poison I would breathe
The winter’s snow fell in its place,
Paused, momentary illusion
I looked in your eyes reflection in awe
Maybe I was wrong
-with what love could be...
Washing Tears
author commentwashing tears
Sun, 2011-02-06 01:08
i was thinking the same thing
i was thinking the same thing with the past and present tense, however it could work....
-with what love could be...
Washing Tears
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2011-02-06 03:05
As usual with revisions, my friend,
always take what works for you and leave the rest.
My suggestions are only that, suggestions.
Remember you can click on the "Revisions" tab at the top and compare the original to the changes.
with all the best intentions,
Jess
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry