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eternal
Beyond these days in time and space,
when we have run our pilgrim race.
our soul, set free from mortal shell,
will rest a while, (devoutly dwell)
to pause for peace by sacred streams,
with breaking dawn's delightful dreams…
Until that Lord with flashing eyes
invades this planet’s sin-scarred skies…
to clothe us in immortal gowns,
with gold, replace our thorny crowns.
(Our bodies, buried out of sight,
He'll raise, in wonder's wingless flight.)
Beyond this age, corrupt and cursed,
(We've done our best; it did its worst.)
there'll surely be for you and me
a safe, sublime eternity.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2024-07-14 12:32
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The structure of your poem is well-crafted with a consistent rhyme scheme and rhythm that flows smoothly throughout. The imagery you use to depict the transition from mortal life to eternal rest is vivid and evocative, creating a sense of peace and transcendence.
However, I would suggest paying attention to the balance between the religious themes and the poetic elements in your poem. While the spiritual journey and beliefs are central to your piece, try to ensure that the language and metaphors you use are not overly clichéd or predictable.
Additionally, consider exploring more nuanced emotions or perspectives within the theme of eternity and salvation. Adding layers of complexity or ambiguity can enhance the depth of your poem and engage the reader on a deeper level.
Overall, your poem shows promise in its thematic depth and poetic craftsmanship. By refining the balance between religious imagery and poetic expression, as well as delving into more nuanced emotions, you can further elevate the impact of your work.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Sun, 2024-07-14 17:18
Eternal
"...a safe, sublime eternity." We can certainly hope! This flows well with the 8 count, and the language is engaging. (I believe the second line should read "have run" in place of "have ran.") Very much like the title.
Thank you!
L
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2024-07-21 07:48
eternal
Many thanks, L. This 'hope' is an anchor for our souls! By the way, I've corrected the second line. thank you for your helpful feedback.
KBloor
author commentWords Ablaze
Wed, 2024-07-17 07:26
I think this is wonderfully
I think this is wonderfully crafted. The diction is strong
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2024-07-21 07:45
eternal
Many thanks, Words Ablaze
KBloor
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