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Who goes there?
On Beckwith cove there is a myth
That still holds true
There is an uncouth caveman
Hidden yonder in the lava black hills
As a youth the stories intrigued me
So much so I became a Beckwith
artifact aficionado sleuth
A world renowned blabber mouth of all things Caveman
Became a dreamer and wanderer all in a day
Toting a fifth of gin and dry vermouth to keep me warm, a worn engraved compass, and a well traced plan
I set off westwardly with my small sailboat, scythe in hand, and a keen spirit for exploration
There betwixt the Selenite horizon was the megalith I have been waiting for my whole life
The xenolith rock that ‘X’ definitely marks the spot to the entrance to all that’s been told
Past the Red Sea fan and under the brush
I started my trek of hurried footprints in the gypsum sand
To push back the undergrowth and uncover the great unknown caveman
All the stories proclaimed to surely live here
I tirelessly worked until the sun turned away and night inevitably seeped in
Remorse almost stricken me to tears
That I did not accomplish my important mission
As I wiped my eyes I did indeed see a burly hunk move
More determined than ever to behold
I scurried deeper into the cave
Only to be met by a hairy old man whose deadpan blue eyes
Presented disharmony among the disproportionate darkness
As I shone my torch, it grunted at me
Carefully I won his trust and he harmlessly behaved, and accepted my cheerful glee of meeting him
Through time, he bravely allowed me to transport him from the enslaved grave
Thirty years ago he became shipwrecked bound
The emergence of this castaway sent shockwaves worldwide
The wild caveman became the rarest robust wiseman to ever exist
His newfound legacy allowed him to egregiously expound how to live within the land.
Aaliyah El-Amin
©2023
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-11-20 11:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Who goes there?" presents a vivid narrative journey, utilizing a variety of literary techniques to engage the reader. However, there are a few areas that could be refined to enhance the overall impact and coherence of the piece.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The irregularity of the line lengths and syllable counts can disrupt the flow of the narrative, making it harder for the reader to follow the story. Experimenting with a more structured approach to rhythm and meter could enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging.
Secondly, the poem could benefit from clearer transitions between different sections of the narrative. The sudden shifts from the protagonist's childhood fascination with the caveman myth, to their adult exploration, and finally to the discovery of the caveman, can be somewhat jarring. More explicit transitions or signposts could help guide the reader through the narrative more smoothly.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer exploration of the protagonist's motivations and emotions. While the poem does hint at the protagonist's curiosity and determination, these elements could be developed further to create a more compelling character. This could also help to enhance the emotional impact of the poem, making the reader more invested in the protagonist's journey and discovery.
In conclusion, while "Who goes there?" presents a compelling narrative and makes effective use of descriptive language, it could be enhanced by a more consistent rhythm and meter, clearer transitions, and a deeper exploration of the protagonist's character.
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Geezer
Mon, 2023-11-20 14:10
An Engaging tale...
to say the least! Notwithstanding the everchanging rules of poetry, I would call this prose, not exactly poetry, but be that as it may, I liked it. Not something that I would read all the time, but readable. ~ Geezer.
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Tawny023
Mon, 2023-11-20 15:27
I think so
I find that I believe prose is more to my liking but I actually do not know exactly what defines it. There are a lot of places for poetry but not so many places for prose. I like storytelling so I think I like prose.
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2023-11-21 01:16
We are trying to...
get in touch with you about your win in October 2023 Challenge: The monster under my bed. We need your release form. Answer your messages please. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.