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Secret

Submitted by RoseBlack on Tue, 2023-02-28 22:19

Alone she slept
Black roses etched in razor blades
Silently, she wept
Amongst the deadliest of nightshades

Embraced by the vine
That binds her
His mark upon her fragile spine
Taunting memories all a blur

Mirror mirror
On the wall
Could it be any clearer
She was his dirty secret after all

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Rosewood Apothecary

Wed, 2023-03-01 05:18

Gorgeous

There are so many images here. Like 6 or 7 panels like comic book pages.

Sorry you’re feeling a bit betrayed. I really like your writing lately. If we can see any silver linings in this situation at all I think there’s that. Things hurt and holding on to that in silence is usually not a good thing. This poem is steeped in emotional pain and disappointment and that means you’re getting it out a little. It’s a good habit and I know you’re savvy on this.

Really good job,
Tim

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 06:36

Thank you

I have you to thank. Your support and advice has been absolutely imperative in my shift to letting go of some of these feelings a little at a time. I have had held on to it for so long...it feels good to be out from under the cloud. Thank you!

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Entend2u

Wed, 2023-03-01 06:37

I agree with Tim

.......in addition I would add that I think poetry that describes feelings and emotions in few words gives immediacy and makes the poem raw - often echoing the emotion that it describes. The selection of each individual word and its relation with the few others is so important - there is no room for florid phrases.
It is interesting to me (at least) that Tim sees 6 or 7 panels like comic book pages - I had the same thought but from a different era - to me the line "Black roses etched in razor blades" made me think of lino cuts where the image is picked out by scraping away the lino to show the stark black image of the rose against a white background. And by extension the other images - the deadly nightshade - the clinging vine (pleasant and friendly at the start but leading to a deathly embrace - the life stripped out by constriction) - gothic imagery. I see the pre-Raphaelite painting of the drowned Ophelia by Millais.
And then you evoke that gothic tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I can only feel foreboding.
I can see the gothic lino cuts making the frontispiece of the book of the rest of your life. Can you?

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 07:21

You nailed it

You could not have interpreted or imagined things more clearly. Thank you for your detailed critique and insight!

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Wed, 2023-03-01 06:42

dear Carrie,

your poem vibrates with pain and sorrow. it is like a river flowing into a waterfall, thundering down to the last few lines which climax with:

Could it be any clearer
She was his dirty secret after all

your pain produces some excellent art!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 07:23

Thank you Cat

I truly have all of you to thank for my growth and development as a writer. Writing is becoming enjoyable and challenging again! I'm glad you liked this.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2023-03-01 09:00

It takes...

bravery like no other, to bring out the dusty secrets and air them in public view. In your case, I would imagine that you feel free
of the weight that the secret has imposed upon you. Great writing! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 10:36

Yes

It feels good to be free! And to be able to convey my emotions with less rage. Thanks for the comment.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 10:36

Indeed

But it's ok...better days are around the corner....

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Seren

Wed, 2023-03-01 11:04

Dearest Carrie

It's all been said before me. But unlike Tim and and Entend I saw your poem in film. There is a movie called Sin City. And its prequel Sin City; A dame to kill for, Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller, If you haven't seen them do it! This poem unfolded for me in the kind of cinematography those movies are filmed in. Dark & foreboding.

I saw blood running off those etched blades from the marks he left in her spine. But that's just where my mind went.

That end line is crushing.

Outstanding! Brava.

Love and big hugs Jayne zxz

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 11:20

Thank you Jayne

For such high praise. I am always so amazed and thrilled to see how my writing is interpreted. I am also grateful for all of you, your guidance and support both in writing and as friends. I'm so glad to be part of this family.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Seren

Wed, 2023-03-01 11:53

BTW if you haven't seen those

BTW if you haven't seen those movies I truly think you'll enjoy them. They're a different kind of movie and I think they were a little before their time. I think given your style of writing you might even love them.

Smiles people are only saying the truth. Your writing has morphed imho. Into the same body different face. Probably best way I can describe it in my opinion.

Hugs Jayne xx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-03-01 14:20