I feel like it starts with a pick up note. That I’ll is like before the 1. On the 4and coming in. There are ares other places where that happens. Check it out.

I’ll bring teeth with skin
to squeak us right by
Should patient planning
Go somewhat awry
(And) erasure for time
admittedly lost
(As) gambits (were) made
At too high a cost
God grant us one set
of unblinking eyes
Plural and probing
Through careful disguise
Show me a world
I’ll show you a man
Whose penance portends
of no bigger plan
Suffering sunsets
Navigat(e)nights
Living out lunacy
As we all take quite
A curious interest in
what might occur
If Atlas himself
Is one day deterred
If crooked were true
And moths fled the flame
If just once a monster
Meant never the same

I put my suggestions in parentheses. I don’t really feel they are necessary but might make it smoother. Its really natural and mature writing.

Tim

a curious thought you bring to the table. what if the sun didn't come up the next day...animals and of course humans would be deeply affected, being creatures of habit! I really like this poem as it begs for deeper thought!

*hugs, Cat