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Extract

Submitted by Seren on Fri, 2023-01-13 12:20

stretching gray
 sheet sentinels
  of bush

observe

a symphony of rain
 wavers
  a brook Rachmaninoff’s
   the cliche of entropy

listen

Pastels of light
 reach canopy
  painting nature
   With one luminous
    golden strand

know

possum
 crawling nose
  scampers retreat,
   as alien scents
    reach downwind

become

cockatoo’s
 Stark flamingo serenade,
  into the pink
   disc

wonder

the conjuring
of disrobing life,
its peaceful uproar
  savouring
  cinnamon specks
   waiting future’s call

hope

salt cracks
 from my face
  at my feet

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I'm nearly done with this one. I know the format can be confronting for some but if you know me I'm never going to colour inside the lines. P.S. I am trying to get the format right I won't try and edit again tonight I've tried multiple times and its 5am here so I'll fix it later today, yes it meant to move across the page in steps but it's not quite right.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Fri, 2023-01-13 20:35

Lavender's picture
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Hello, Seren,
This invites all the senses - and there is wonderful motion here, especially in the use of the single words: observe, listen, know, become, wonder, hope. I would love a little further explanation with the title. I feel that the message is to draw the most out every ounce of every experience in life as possible. "Disrobing life" "Peaceful uproar" - thought provoking language. I know you are still working on this piece, and I look forward to reading it again.
Thank you!
Lavender

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