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I CAN FEEL YOU

I can feel your love everywhere
like a cloud in the sky
I will always hop on
I will relax in
the scent of your love

Like the fragrance of jasmine
your love is alluring
I see the beauty of your face
and I will always love you
never stopping

Whenever you are near
your presence electrifies me
I am so happy
like a baby at the breast
your baby boy

I can feel you all day
I think about you constantly
I wonder what it would be like
curious and refreshed
I am yours always

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing stage: 
Content level: 
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Comments

of how to respond to your work, because I don't know where you want to go with it. On the one hand, I like it as is, because it shows the emotion and thinking in your own language, but I will say that it may not appeal to many English readers because of the differences in syntax. If you are alright with the fan base that you now have and haven't many cares about where to go
with it, I cannot help you with language. It would be very difficult for me to think and write in your language. If you want to improve your English writing and write in a manner that will attract more fans, I can help; but it means rewriting some of your lines and placement of words and phrases. I do like your thoughts and work; I am just unsure of how to proceed. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

And proceed from somewhere. Advice will be taken..
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

the mention of a possible language impedance by Geezer is valid. nonetheless i would suggest the following

S1L2 add an "a" between the and Love
S1L5 "your love scents" maybe "smelling our love together"
S3L4 put an "a" or "the" before "Brest"
S4L3&4 could be less clumsy. What are you attempting to get across in these two lines?

I like the form you've got.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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A critical evaluation does not simply highlight negative impressions. It should deconstruct the work and identify both strengths and weaknesses. It should examine the work and evaluate its success, in light of its purpose.

Your suggestions are all good.
Thank you so much!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

hard not to change the intent of your poem
by addressing each line separately. I tried to make the last two lines
make sense and hope that I got it right

I can feel your love everywhere
like a cloud in the sky
I will always hop on
I will relax in
the scent of your love

Like the fragrance of jasmine
your love is alluring
I see the beauty of your face
and I will always love you
never stopping

Whenever you are near
your presence electrifies me
I am so happy
like a baby at the breast
your baby boy

I can feel you all day
I think about you constantly
I wonder what it would be like
curious and refreshed
I am yours always.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

A critical evaluation does not simply highlight negative impressions. It should deconstruct the work and identify both strengths and weaknesses. It should examine the work and evaluate its success, in light of its purpose. You have indeed reworked it to perfection.

Geezer, you're a master indeed. I applaud your literary mind. Much appreciated!
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

about bring a master, but I know that your piece resonated with me. As you might know, I am not really a writer of romance and rarely write of it myself; however, I knew of your intent with this one and thought I could help out. Glad you like my efforts.
~ Geez.
.,

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

'A master here denotes, a person who has a great skill in knowlege. I adore your poetic proficiency. You really have a complete knowledge of poetry.

Again, my sincere gratitude for taking off your time to deconstruct the piece. Now I'm enjoying the read.
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

there are many here with much more knowledge than I. I thank you for your overly kind assessment of my knowledge and skill.~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

Much appreciated once more.
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

A beautiful and heartfelt poem.

My sincere gratitude for your nice comment.
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

yes, it is a lovely poem :) nice to see you!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

How are you doing? I'm glad you are here again. Thank you for your nice comment.
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment
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