Before I make them let me say that this one, of all your works, rings very true for me. My mother loved us very much, she told us and she expressed it physically. She was also verbally abusive and given to occasional physical punishment. My sister and myself were the constant subject of belittling commentary followed by professions of love. I don’t blame her. It effected me. It effects the way I deal with my children now and I’m desperately trying to break that generational trauma. It’s not easy and I know my mother was raised with physical and emotional abuse as well. For the most part I felt normal growing up. Now as an adult in a non abusive, loving, honest relationship I realize how these things affected me. That anxious attachment you’re talking about in this poem, that’s some really serious stuff. It permeates my relationships both romantic and platonic. It affects my job, chores, and hobbies. I’m anxiously attached to this website (if you couldn’t tell from my commenting on almost every poem). The upside for me is the overwhelming drive for perfection and validation I seek in everything made me a good tradesmen, writer, musician…the terrible down side is the anger and self deprecating monologue that “plays on a loop” in your head as you say. For me I have a hard time not helping people even if I’m exhausted physically and mentally. I just can’t sit with the idea that I let them down because my mom was “let down” by the plethora of inadequacies she invented for me as a child.

Now as far as the poem…

“A monster, I (thought) of him as a child.”

Only to reflect as a woman;
Maybe he was a victim;
Too late to regret his own state;
Maybe he never found the help that was needed;
Perhaps, in his life the help was indeed never met;
The voices return like demons on (their) own;
(Push) me into the black hole cold as a dungeon;

What still (remains) is;
An (unloved) child hidden in fear and rejected;
Feelings of low self-esteem, and isolation;
(Create) the bond of failed attachments;
Ever so, when struggles of life unfold;
What still remains is an unloved child.

The corrections are in parentheses. In addition perhaps Cat or Geezer could help with the punctuation. I’m sure all the semicolons are superfluous.

Thanks for sharing warrior,
Tim

Thanks for such a thoughtful response. You are a true empath and quality human. Kudos to you. I count you among the many many blessings I’ve been given. I cycled through a few therapists and found one that I’m comfortable with. I keep my monthly appointments religiously regardless of how I’m feeling. This has led me to start a journey of self rediscovery. I’d be honored if you listened to some of my music (links are in my bio). I really think you’d like the lyrics to “Healing Hands”, “Regardless” and especially “New Soul Review” which is probably the song I’m most proud of. I’m currently working on my first collection of poetry which I plan on self publishing. It’s all tiny steps forward.

Yours in repair,
Tim

And thanks you again for your kindness and light.

Tim