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Blues In The Key Of Fire
Smoke filled room
On a dreary night
Drops of indigo beat down
With pending doom
On cerulean sheets
She sits and waits
Match sticks falling from her hand
Her lament rose with the heat
Turquoise flames
Dance across window panes
Shards of glass explode
Cutting deep into her veins
House of lies
Would stand no more
A pile of blue-grey ashes
All his secrets they bore
They pulled her out
Beneath a sapphire sky
Burned and broken
A horrible way to die
Her family came
But no one wept
Perhaps she was right
He was the one they kept
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
Second stanza is intentionally longer
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2022-07-21 06:27
Very good
The quality of your work is consistent. Not to say everything is similar but rather everything is similarly polished up. Loose enough but also structured rhyme pattern rhythm. I know you said that stanza is long purposefully. May I ask why? I offer my suggestion that it need not be. You could compound the 3rd and 4th lines into one long third line. And it would be really close to the stanza before rhythmically
Drops of indigo beat down
Matchsticks falling from her hand
Anyway, you know best and I’m just playing around.
Great poem,
Tim
RoseBlack
Thu, 2022-07-21 07:57
Hi Tim
I was hoping you would weigh in on those lines. I made the change and it makes more sense. Thank you for your input.i don't have a specific style of writing. I usually write free style. Glad you are seeing quality in each piece.
~RoseBlack~
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2022-07-21 06:54
dear RoseBlack,
something is not quite right here...(he was the one they kept) was it a break in the family? or was it something else? I sense that this rift/slighting was not only decisive, but painful. it is sad, but most memorable is the weaving in of the color blue. I like it very much.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2022-07-21 07:59
Thanks Cat
It was a relationship gone bad and unfortunately, the other party was such a good liar and charmer, his side was often taken. Everything was a lie yet she was the one isolated and one. Glad you enjoyed the poem.
~RoseBlack~
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2022-07-21 08:05
maybe...
someday, Karma will get caught up to him...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2022-07-21 09:03
Hi Cat
In a way, it has but not karma from me, karma from the past. I doubt I will see any retribution. At this point, I'm just exhausted and done.
~RoseBlack~
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2022-07-21 10:07
dear RB,
i can certainly understand that!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.