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Vampire Heart
Black eyes
Sunken in
Upon ashen skin
Safe from dawn's first light
Porcelain fangs
Stained in red
Remnants of a night
Well fed
Translucent tears
Wound in discontent
A wounded heart
Beats inside an undead chest
She longed to be normal
To feel the sunbeams on her breast
Her soul cried for his affection
But alas ..
To her box she went
Waiting for the moon's
Bleached out dance
When the hunt begins again
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2022-07-20 01:05
I was caught up...
in the story and almost didn't notice the odd rhyme scheme. I won't try to repair it, because I think that it might ruin the flow, rather than fix it. I will direct you to a work of mine written sometime back, that has a similair theme. It's called "Racing Nights"
6/22/2016, a little something you might like. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-20 04:35
Hi Geez
Glad you enjoyed the story. I will definitely check out your poem! Sometimes I rhyme accidentally and it flows fairly well.
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Wed, 2022-07-20 04:47
dear RoseBlack.
I had a thought on the title: (Vamperic Heart) vampiric is a word I found on dictionary.com
https://www.dictionary.com/browse/vampiric
I loved these lines, as I feel the exact opposite:
To her box she went
Waiting for the moon's
Bleached out dance
When the hunt begins again
respect, Cat & eddy
*
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RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-20 08:15
Hi Cat
Thank you for your input. Vampiric is a good word but I kind of like the title I chose. Glad you enjoyed.
~RoseBlack~
Rosewood Apothecary
Wed, 2022-07-20 06:07
Really good storyteller
Captivating from the first. I’m not much on horror, vampires and all that but a good story is just that. You’ve got one here.
I want to read one line differently and as such here it is…
Translucent tears
Wound in discontent
A wounded heart
Beats inside an undead chest
It does nothing really, the tense stays the same, the original isn’t necessarily cumbersome. I just liked the quicker, sharper sounding last line. The whole stanza is hard consonant sounds this make it congruent. It’s an attitude thing I think.
Or just leave it because it’s great!
Tim
RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-20 08:15
Hi Tim
I agree that last line sounded better with your edit to it. It was much cleaner sounding. Thank you!
~RoseBlack~