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The emotion

Submitted by Jakub Zoltowski on Mon, 2022-06-06 21:37

Gentle, hand touch, shiver on the hand,
spoken words lost the war today.

Yet, thanks to You.

I am.

You are.

He is.

They, don’t

know what it's like when your clothes choke onto my breath.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Tue, 2022-06-07 00:20

Now this...

is about as minimalist as I think one might get! I would make it just an itty-bitty, tiniest little shorter, by taking a word out and rearranging the first line: "Gentle shiver, touch on the hand." I really don't get what you have in mind for the line; "They don't know what it's like when your clothes choke onto my breath". Of course, I may have the nuances all wrong, but that's for you to decide. ~ Geezer.
.

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Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-06-07 07:13