Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A FAMILY STORY

Submitted by turbo1904 on Fri, 2022-06-10 14:06

There needs to be vanity,
Or a dark twist to the story.
A demon-angel, Michael
Basking in his glory.

Then there must be a
Wicked witch from the West.
She is beautiful, evil
And self-possessed.

If you delve deep into family
History, a hint of incest.
Its genetics altered
And unprocessed.

A deranged and crazy
Mother-in-law.
A daughter that dances
In the raw.

A crazy, twisted step
Mother.
A perverted, baby making
Older brother.

The cousin who has six kids,
Baby's daddy's unknown.
This shit is more twisted
Then The Twilight Zone.

We cannot forget about
A monster or a beast?
The older brother confessing
His sins to the local priest.

A young prince, dark,
Handsome and tall.
We need a gypsy lady
With a crystal ball.

This tainted bloodline,
Estranged family diversity.
Generations its riddled
With scandal and perversity.

The young prince, his father,
A man of color, a peasant.
It makes family gatherings,
A little unpleasant.

The queen ran off with a
Carpenter who has only one leg.
He is 67 years old, his seeds
Can't fertilize her egg.

The young prince is not
Like the rest.
He has aptitude, class and
A touch of finesse.

The young prince has a chance,
He must break away from the clan.
I need to hurry before,
The changing, from boy to man.

Turbo1904 ♥

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2022-06-10 17:31

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

your story, and there are some really great lines here.
It may be just the way I'm reading it, but there seems to be a bit of
roughness to your stanzas following the first one, [which BTW is as perfectly metered as I can imagine].

If I may, I would like to offer some advice to smooth things out:

and [she's] self-possessed. add a beat

[to] family - shorten into, it reads better and the reader will know what you mean.
its' genetics [being] altered - add 2 beats
and thoroughly unprocessed - 2 beats

[There's] a deranged and crazy Mother-in-law
[Two daughters dancing] in the raw

[The] crazy twisted
step-mother
A perverted, peeping
older brother

Cousin It who has six kids
Baby's daddys all unknown
This shit has got more twisted
Then the Twilight Zone

I think that you can see, that to keep the rhythm, you may need to add or subtract beats
to your meter. Never be afraid to change or drop a word; or save a line that seems too good
to lose, for later or another time. [I often write down a line that I feel that way about].
And always read it aloud, you will see where the stumbles are.

As I have said; this piece is worth working on, to bring it into full blossom. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Fri, 2022-06-10 20:12

Jackweb's picture

Truly, I think taken Geezer's suggestions immediately would have brought this poem into bliss!

I have no other suggestions than his. I read your work and went through his perfect corrections and it deemed it fit.

Nicely written!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

Candlewitch

Sat, 2022-06-11 05:54

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I agree with the others...this is my second reading of this piece, I was called away and didn't have time to comment. I really enjoy your work in general. so I try not to miss one!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

turbo1904

Mon, 2022-06-13 12:21

turbo1904's picture

Thanks Cat, I'm working on cleaning it up now. I loved the suggestions the guys gave me. A little revision. Thank you again>

Wishing you the best,
Turbo1904

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.