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The dead, alive.
The door opened , and the shadow entered the room.
He had a black ivory eyes, and the breeze of his stench.
It was right away known, then, that he is dead.
Words came suddenly.
I cannot speak, about myself.
I can’t write, a letter to my lover
I am a mere shade of my previous, self.
The song resonated in his own black, empty room.
But he did not move
He just looked at me
And cried
Because of his old moldy stench.
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Comments
Sen99
Wed, 2022-06-01 05:16
hello Jakub
thanks or sharing this, a poem with a sense of mystery, quite haunting in its own way
maybe fewer commas just or a better flow
Well done
Candlewitch
Wed, 2022-06-01 06:47
hello Jakub
in this line: "He had (a) black ivory eyes, and the breeze of his stench. remove (a)
I like a good spooky tale
*hugs, Cat
*
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Geezer
Wed, 2022-06-01 11:04
Black ivory eyes...
I've never seen or heard of [black ivory]
I would go for black [and] ivory eyes.
What is the purpose of the line: "Words came suddenly"?
Delete the comma "I cannot speak[,] about myself"
and the following line: "I can't write[,] a letter to my lover"
delete the comma "mere shade of my previous[,]self
I think I get the poem; Is it that he is not alive and you are?
~ Geezer.
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Jackweb
Wed, 2022-06-01 12:05
Can the dead speak to the living?
Every time a person is raised from the dead it is stupendous. This sounds like Matthew 27:52 " And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,...
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb