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power off

….you have programmed your final day under the sun:

your body dissolves,
graced in sheets of flowers,
succumed to the grass that touches your back side.
you lie inside an abandoned home,
vines and moss cover the cement and bricks.
the flower of life subverted into this once natural structure.

the sun’s rays flash through the trees,
through the absent roof, the home claimed by nature.
it lowers down, calmly.
seeping into your skin, through your blood, through the rest of you.
she is ready to prepare your eternal bedding.

becoming one with it,
you sink into Earth, her body.
hidden from the technical ways of your civilization.
the sun will keep this old vessel of yours warm.
the moon will guide your limitless conscience to eternity.....

congratulations.

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

but I think it needs more work: more polishing, to make the cadence of your words more fluid, and more grammatical tightening, to make the meaning clearer in some places.
Examples:
"gracing in sheets of flowers"...should the word be "graced"?
"lying under some abandoned wires of cement,"..."lying beneath abandoned wires of cement,". Try reading both lines aloud, and you'll see what I mean about cadence and flow.
"the flower of life subvert into this manmade structure:...should "subvert" be "subverted"?

These are only suggestions. I would bet that you can find alternatives that would work just as well.

But, the imagery is powerful, and so is the message. I like the last line a lot.
Good work, keep it coming

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

thank you so much, i made a few fixes. i read it out loud quite a lot this time, hopefully it sounds more coherent. have a nice day!!

post tenebras lux

author comment

It reads much better, and you have not changed the meaning.
Good work.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

you have really nice words when you write. You write unexpected things. I hope you continue to write and improve your technical skillset.
One crit "wires of cement" is confusing. I can't make the association between wire and cement. Wire is usually metal and cement is used to make bricks and stuff.

It's true, you don't need the word "some" in the same line. Keep writing!

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

that is really sweet of you to say, it made me smile. i will continue to write, i want to improve! also i realized my error there. i meant to write "wires and cement" but then i read it out loud and it still sounded weird. so i changed the whole thing. read the whole poem again and let me know what you think :)

post tenebras lux

author comment

Potential deserves encouragement. Just keep writing.

Thomas

....so like my lost dreams...the flood

WHEN composing any poem remember the real poets have hawks eyes
few like me as EAGLES
no incoherence in poetry
its real sense and substance
take care and a fresh wave
again share

thank you :-)) i always appreciate the comments i get from you

post tenebras lux

author comment
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