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Surrender to Infinity

Good morning sweet fate,
I never thought we'd really meet.
My bill is due, it cannot wait.
Let Karma have its choice box seat.

I want to fight a final stand and
Have my defects come out swinging.
Torch it all to the ground;
My disease the lone one grinning.

If only did I know that
I could win if I just quit.

If only I could trust that
I could finally have a rest.

If only I could see that
I could step into the place

Where calamity
Meets serenity.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am liking this but not loving it. It needs some work and help. I have a tendency to be big fisted with words and themes. Subtlety can be elusive for me.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I think that this one has a subtlety that is hidden in the big picture and it shouldn't be trod upon too harshly. I am of the opinion that this is about admitting to a fault [or maybe a disease], that hobbles you in [maybe physicality or mentally] and you realize that by admitting it and working around it, rather than denying it, you can have some peace. I'm not sure that you really have a grasp of what you have accomplished here. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Hey Geez -- see below

author comment

Thanks for that Geez -- The meaning of the poem for me is strong in my heart. I find writing about such things to be great therapy. Upon rereading the poem I see I was too harsh. I guess I was questioning my general style -- I have been reading all of yours and others work and see a difference of prose and approach. More room to breathe and get carried away in wonderfully juxtaposed imagery. Sometimes I look at my work and feel it gets made with a hammer...lol

Don't get me wrong, I love my work and see that I have my own style. Looking and reading other work is making me want to explore other voices inside me...

author comment

I love Neo. so much! I have been a member for around thirteen or so years, and I have learned something in every one of them. There is never a day that goes by or a post that I read, that something isn't registered. Even if it is a comment on a piece of work by someone else. I see how people respond to it and think about what it makes me feel, and what I will remark on or respond to. I was strictly a rhymer when I came here and have explored Haiku, and Free-form, and different styles, to jump the fences and roll on the grass of the "other side". I have found great pleasure in participating in workshops and mingling with the rest of my fellow poets! So, yes, by all means, find a smaller hammer and work away at creating a new you!
I look forward to your journey as much as you do. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

So awesome to hear -- yes I have been exploring the quintain form since coming here. More to follow as I grow for sure. Now I am off to buy a ball peen hammer...

author comment

I hope you find the right size and bang the hell out anything that catches your attention. I'll be watching.~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Here are some alternatives you can think over :
Good morning sweet fate,
I never thought we'd really meet.
yet now my final bill cannot wait.
Let Karma have its choice seat.

I want to fight a final stand and
Let my defects come out swinging.
Burn it all down to the ground;
like a viking I would go down singing.

If only could I know that
I could win if I just quit.

If only I could trust that
I could have a final rest

If only I could see that
I could step into that place.

Where calamity
Meets serenity.

just some ideas

Thanks for your suggestions -- Interesting to see other people's takes. I like the "Let Karma have its choice seat" suggestion

author comment

Hey scribbler I took some of your suggestions... thankee-sai

author comment

This pensive, reflective piece is strong
Clearly you have put much effort
And thought
Into it,
I like where you went with it in the ending.

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