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Dancing With Rabbits (Expanded)
A wriggled nose invitation
To dance into myself.
A shout of joyous salvation.
Dappled skin;
What a grin!
Rebirth is the
Season and Reason,
Jump in!
With a splash and a spray,
The happy whiskers
Carry me away.
To the fountain within.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I will post the original in the comments below. I liked the original but always felt it could be longer. I just did not want to ruin the feeling it created. What do you think of the expanded version?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Owl Has My Soul
Fri, 2021-09-17 09:12
Original Version
A wriggled nose invitation
To dance into myself.
A shout of joyous salvation
Dappled skin;
What a grin!
With a slant and a sway
The happy whiskers
Carry me away.
author commentObadiah Grey
Fri, 2021-09-17 10:35
I like both versions but,,,,
I like both versions but,,,, the brevity and wit of the original is my pick !!!
Obi.