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Sail Away...[Stretching Wings, Morphing exercise]
Air too thick to breathe
Changing skies alter the view
Squirrels chatter hide hide
Too long in the sun, says she
Why don't you come inside?
No, I'll just lie in the yard
Contemplating clouds and imagination
Dark glasses and darker drinks
Captain Morgan sweating root-beer
Slippery grip spilling icy drops
A little feeling of cheer
Eyes shaded by a blocking hand
Sipping straw gives cooling brew
I think I'm very far from land
When I hear the Captain's crew
And so I gather up imagination
The Captain has sailed away
My wife is calling me from my vacation
I've had a sunny sailing day
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Obadiah Grey
Thu, 2021-09-02 13:05
It gathered pace as it snared
It gathered pace as the sails snared a warm breeze.
obi.
scribbler
Thu, 2021-09-02 14:10
Well
the last three stanzas have the same rhyme scheme. Idealy only the last one or at most 2 should have it. But the poem was enjoyable so that's a good thing
Geezer
Fri, 2021-09-03 11:16
I noticed after...
[ I decided rather than rework the last four stanzas, I would delete the offending ones.] I think it still works, does it?
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Sat, 2021-09-04 14:30
Well penned
Sail Away is enjoyable verse as i began to imagine the characters involved. It's just like one minute video clip in my imagination. You handled your literary devices like a creator. Your poetic devices are very strong and they stood erect in the poem.
There are alternate rhyme scheme pattern that falls in the stanzas.
I affirm that you're a good!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Geezer
Sun, 2021-09-05 06:22
Thank you...
I'm glad that you enjoyed this poem. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ray Whitaker
Sun, 2021-09-05 13:22
I’m not in the workshop
However I wondered why you left the first stanza in three line, and the rest in four?
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Geezer
Sun, 2021-09-05 16:03
We were supposed to...
put a Haiku before the morphing part.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Ray Whitaker
Mon, 2021-09-06 18:11
oh...
nice work, then!
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Geezer
Mon, 2021-09-06 19:07
Thumbs up!...
Okay, You're excused!. LoL You weren't in the workshop!
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.