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Stumbling Blocks... [Stretching Wings Workshop]

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2021-08-21 12:16

Come with us
Let's play
"I'm tired"

Breathing harder
little things
like oxygen

Left alone
worn out with excess
Watching from the side-lines

Days of working out
to days of out of working
and not keeping up,
Empty wallet and soul

It's okay, he convinces himself
"I'm still important"
but it weighs on him
and makes him feel alone

Today, is another day
The phone keeps ringing
Damned telemarketers!
Watching TV, tries singing
along with the commercials

What's the use?
He's just a bit afraid
That's no excuse
Stays in the shallows
where he can wade

Drama Queen, he gets upset
about things don't really matter
He thinks that maybe; a chance yet
his dreams not completely shattered

So, wait for me he says, "I'm coming"
"There's still a chance I'll make it"
He runs and then he wobbles, stumbling
Yells, Keep going! He's no wet blanket

Alone at the starting-line,
when they come back to finish

Joking about: "What took you so long?"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
My first attempt at "Morphing Poetry". I like the form.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Stretching wings (Let's Begin)
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Triskelion

Sun, 2021-08-22 05:30

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That was truly tragically entertaining. Dang, what an ending! As usual, your rhyming and meter are as enjoyable.

Thomas

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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Geezer

Sun, 2021-08-22 07:52

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I guess tragically entertaining is a good thing? My character is based on my COPD. and the humor is all mine. Like my mother says: " If you don't laugh, you will cry ". Not looking for sympathy, [Well, maybe a little], I just try hard to keep the story from being all tragedy. Note; the two masks that denote plays and performances, have a grin and a grimace; I choose to keep to the tradition and give a bit of both. Thank you for the always good review and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Triskelion

Sun, 2021-08-22 15:31

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What is poetry but a bittersweet experience. To me it is at the very pinnacle of poetic expression. Cheers Geezer

Thomas

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.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

scribbler

Sun, 2021-08-22 14:59

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Very enjoyable. Only thing is you switched away from the rhyming quatrains you had morphed into as the poem advanced. I think to remain in such would have been better

Geezer

Mon, 2021-08-23 01:20

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look at that and maybe fix it! ~Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2021-08-23 19:18

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into it. The reason why will become clear in upcoming final exercise

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